Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize