Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
