Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
we dont do blackfin have a good night :)
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
