Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
