please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Randomize
