I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
