I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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