Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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