you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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