If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
