if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize