You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
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