I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
