Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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