I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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