I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
