I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
