My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
