it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
My vagina is very pro this idea
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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