For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
