smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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