my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
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