im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
We have started to decorate penises.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
