There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
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