yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
