The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
