Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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