I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
