is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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