you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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