I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize