Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
