I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
