The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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