just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
