I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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