you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
