i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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