whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
