U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I am in a vortex of obligation.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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