You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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