Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
