Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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