Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Randomize
