Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize