There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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