My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
