More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize