my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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