Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
