I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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