you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Randomize
