He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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