Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
