Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
